"Why" questions shut people down
When I was a kid, there were two questions I heard often:
→ “WHY are you so sensitive?”
→ “WHY are you crying?”
Every time I heard them, I immediately translated them into one thing:
I did something wrong.
The truth is, "why" questions have their place.
They’re perfect for:
“Why is the sink clogged?”
“Why did this experiment fail?”
“Why didn’t we accomplish this goal?”
In other words: systems, science, problem-solving.
But when it comes to our emotional landscapes?
“Why” can feel like an interrogation. It doesn’t open space — it shuts us down.
Ironically here’s why “why” hurts in emotional moments:
1. "Why" questions imply blame.
“Why are you crying?” assumes you shouldn’t be.
“Why are you so sensitive?” frames sensitivity as a flaw.
2. "Why" questions activate defense.
Our nervous system hears “defend yourself.” Instead of safety, we move into fight, flight, or freeze. It drags us into analysis and justification.
Curiosity questions keep us in the moment, connected to what’s true right now.
Swap why with one of these three words
What
How
Or my personal favorite, simply with a sound: "Oh", "Ah", “Huh.”
Because little Nora didn’t need to hear, “Why are you crying?”
She longed for:
“What is painful for you right now?”
"How did that hurt you?”
Or even, “Oh… something is painful.”
Do you notice how different that feels?
These kinds of questions invite answers.
They open the door to connection, compassion, and truth.
Practice it this week — notice how it shifts connection, and tell me how it lands.
Hug hug,